… walks into a bar …

duckbeerI realised this morning that I knew at least four of these jokes, one of which is not very nice (sorry Celine Dion), so I thought I would share them:

Timmy
Timmy the toothless termite walks into a bar and asked where is the bar tender?

Pause (This needs to be performed more than read)

A polar bear walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Please could I have a gin and … (pause for 5 seconds) … tonic.”

The barman says, “Sure thing, but what’s with the big pause?” and the Polar Bear says, “I dunno, I was born with them.”

Celine
Celin Dion walks into a bar and the barman says, “Why the long face?”

The Duck (This also requires a little perfomance)

A duck walks into a bar as asks the barman for a bread roll.

The barman says, “Sorry mate, but we don’t serve bread rolls here”, to which the duck says, “Ok, well could I have a couple of slices of bread then?”

The barman says, “Afraid, not, we don’t server any bread here either”, and the duck, looking forlorn, says, “Not even an old crust?”

The barman, slightly agitated, says, “No, we don’t serve any bread”, but the duck insists, “What about a mouldy piece?”

To which the barman whispers firmly, “Listen, we don’t serve bread here, and if you ask one more time, I am going to nail your fucking beak to the bar!”

Calmly, the ducks as the barman, “Do you have any nails?”, and the barman says, “No.”

So the duck says, “And bread?”