My parents are Ex-Zimbabwean and came to SA in 1980. Family all live up in Ballito. I’m in Pinetown in order to best do my job as Ward 18 councillor.

2. How did you get involved in local politics, and what motivated and inspired you to do so.

I used to be a supporter of the ANC. During the 2000′s that waned to the extent that I joined the DA in 2007 out of the blue. Fortunately I made it onto their excellent Young Leaders programme for 2008 and that set the tone for the years to come. In 2009 after the General Election, I took an opportunity to stand in a ward where the councillor had moved to Province and was elected in June 2009.

3. Who are your role-models.

My parents are examples of the sort of people that make the world a better place. Mandela would never have been able achieve what he did if there wasn’t a significant number of reasonable people out there willing to choose the middle road. So on the one hand, my parents inspire me to be good, wholesome and to cherish family. And leaders like Madiba inspire me to have conviction, believe in the prosperous South Africa we want become, and fight for the balance our democracy requires before we will see that.

4. What did you do before you became a councillor.

I ran at IT business for 10 years. I am a bona fide geek turned politician.

5. Tell us a bit about your family.

My brothers are both younger than me, though there’s only 3.5 years between Barry, the youngest, and myself. My parents were both deeply affected by the Rohdesian Civil War, my mother losing her legs as a teenager from a landmine blast and my father being the victim of a few blasts while on service. Much of my motivation comes from not wanting to see that sort of violence happening in South Africa as it has over most of post-Independence Africa. We can and must be different.

6. Do you enjoy your job.

I find my job both infuriatingly frustrating and very rewarding. I am frustrated at the crippled state of our local government, the low quality of services which result and the wastage of money which occurs through poor management and corruption. I am infuriated regularly by the cheap politics employed in the face of severe poverty and suffering, and I am regularly incensed by the liberal use of the race-card. However, there are so many people out there both in need of help and willing to help. Many city officials do everything they can to do the best job they can, and many people can be helped by me directly. The knowledge that I can directly make a difference for people who really need it as well as the desire to see the gradual improvement in the quality of our City government provide me with all the motivation I need to counter the negatives.

7. Have there been moments in your career when you thought you were going to fail at what you were doing.

I have failed. I failed to ensure that Pinetown SAPS was provided with the sort of quality senior leadership it needs to fight the significant crime wave in the area. The tradeoff was that several significant operational improvements have taken place as a result of the pressure and focus. I still maintain that Pinetown SAPS needs a station commander who is passionate about the morale and performance of his/her officers in the significant fight against crime in the area.

That is my biggest failure so far. I am certain I will fail again. Will I fail in my bigger mission to help make South Africa the prosperous Rainbow Nation which Madiba helped us dream about? Perhaps, but I sincerely doubt that. Our democracy will see the balance it so desperately needs in the coming decade and through that will come the good governance required to service the needs of the people and create the opportunities people need to make their lives better.

8. What was the proudest moment in your career.

I couldn’t say really. I’ll be proud when I know the future of our country is secure.

9. What was the most embarrassing moment in your career.

I really messed my first interview as a potential council candidate. As my MP says, I really screwed it up. Thank goodness they chose to give me a bash anyway.

10. Tell us something about you the public doesn’t know.

I attend the KZN Philharmonic at the City Hall as often as my calendar permits. I find the performances liberating in the same way that doing a hard workout in gym is – you need to sit still, be quiet, listen and take it in until its finished.

11. What are your goals, ambitions, and future plans.

Have a family. Inspire people to live a life of peace and love (Yes, I am an Amakhosi fan). Be a major contributor to securing our democracy and ensuring our government is the first truly good government South Africa has ever known.

12. What are your likes, interests and hobbies.

I rowed a lot at university and after. I enjoy overlanding (4×4) especially north of South Africa. I have a 1990 Land Cruiser and am about to buy a 1980 Mercedes, so I guess I have a thing for old cars. I am a genuine geek, and administer several Linux servers and applications for projects within the party.

13. What message would you like to give to the people in your Ward for the upcoming election.

If you are not yet registered to vote or if you have moved since the last election, please register 5/6 March. Then on election day, please vote on who you think will govern eThekwini best. Leave the rest of the issues for dinner-table debates. We need good governance – vote for the party you believe has a proven track record in delivery.

Welcome everyone to Gary and Shelley’s wedding. I am Warwick Chapman, known to most people here as Budgee. I have the good fortune of being a friend of both the bride and the groom, and the rather ominous responsibility of having introduced them to one another.

So on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank all of you for having come up here to celebrate this day, especially those of you who knew that I’d be saying a few words – it’s very touching that you still decided to come.

The crucial role a best man must play on this important night is to provide accurate information about the groom such that everyone here has a good idea of just what Shelley has gotten herself into.

I thus thank you Gary for asking me to be your best man. It is a great privilege and I shall not disappoint. First, however, what I must do as a best man is make a heartfelt toast to two people without whom we would none of us would be here today. Hopefully as the night goes on, each of us will have a chance to spend some quality time with them. So I ask you to rise, and join me in toasting the bar staff.

We couldn’t do it without you guys. Thanks alot.

There are many things I can say about the man with the hairiest toes in the world, and a few things perhaps I shouldn’t. But before I tell you about this fella Shelley’s just married, let me propose a real toast to three smashing young ladies.

Lord Alfred Tennyson said simply that “A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride.” Mary-Leigh and Nicole you two make a fine complement to our stunning bride tonight. I know she appreciates all the support you’ve given her over the last weeks and especially today. I could not possibly complete this toast without mentioning Deidre and that beautiful cong she sang in the chapel. Please rise and join me in toasting the Deidre and the bridesmaids.

More than just a few of us here tonight met GazziPuff 11 or 12 years ago at the University of Natal, Durban Rowing Club. There, being but a slight of a fellow, and a finicky technician in the bowseat, he earned himself the nick name – FairyG.

And who could forget the photo of Gaz published in a mainstream weekend newspaper, dressed in a tiger suit, his hand in a claw pose with the campest of growl expressions on his face. Accordingly, the paper misspelt his name “Gay” Ainsworth. So GazziPuff, even though you’re a FairyG and Gay – you’ve bagged yourself a gentle, intelligent and above all gorgeous wife and are now laughing in the face of these prophecies we wrote in your name. Good show.

Shelley, you no doubt have some idea what you’ve got yourself into, but for the benefit of those less familiar with the dirty details, let me share the sort of treatment Gary might come to expect from a wife. You see, Gary’s doting mother spoilt him as a child, as a teenager, and even as a grown man.

Many people thought us rowers nuts for dragging ourselves out of bed at 4am each day to go rowing. Gary’s mornings, however, were somewhat more comfortable. You see he’d be woken with a cup of tea, and a pair of pre-warmed socks thanks to his darling mother who couldn’t bear the thought of our Gaz getting cold feet. Well, Margaret, I’m pleased to say that your boy is married, and its now Shelley’s job to make the tea and warm the socks, though, perhaps it might just be the other way around!

Just whatever you do Shells, don’t wet his socks and put them in the freezer. You may end up with the fire brigade outside your door in a bad mood. Gaz, ever the prankster, at SA Student Sprint Champs about 100 years ago, found himself pranked and saddled with a hard, frozen pair of his trademark long rowing rugby socks. In a moment of sheer brilliance he decided the obvious solution was to heat them in the oven – sounds good right? – as long as you don’t go off to a fines meeting shortly thereafter and leave them in the oven to combust. Chop.

This is the same dude the Poms decide to make their Safety officer while he was working in the UK. Safety first Gaz. Shells, keep a leash on him, you never know what could go down. And whatever you do, never ever respond when Gary asks you to check if something smells funny. Not unless you want whatever it is he’s holding all over your face… that one never ever fails to amuse him.

Sure this man has matured over the years, but beware of the rare failure to be discrete. A fellow rowing friend, Caroline Reid, related to me an almost lost story of one of Gary’s first flings in varsity which unnerved him more than just a little. So concerned was our Gaz, that he confided in Cally that this lass “had gone from friend to psycho over just one kiss.” Unfortunately the lass was standing right behind him. Smooth dude.

For Gary’s Bachelor bash at Inanda Dam, we asked Shelley a set of questions about Gary. At the party, we put each question to Gary, and then compared with Shelley’s answer. A most illuminating exercise.

One of the questions asked whether Shelley knew that Gaz used to wear an Alice Band and if he still had this hair style would she have even given him a second glance?

Gary’s answer (granted he was properly trousered and full of confidence): “She would’ve loved it!”

Shells responded: “Yes I have actually seen photographic evidence from Lauren Carrol!!! Honestly if he was still sporting such fashion accessories when I met him ,we would not be here today. ”

Another question referred to Gary’s incessant whining, asking Shells on average how many times a night does he moan about something?

Gary’s reponse: None

Shelley’s reponse: He does tend to be a winger. If I had to give it a number I would say between two and three. Just tonight I have heard that he has a bite on his arm and that he hopes it won’t lead to tick bite fever (because he has had it three times before!) and that he also has a paper cut which is actually very sore!

Gary took his rowing very seriously at varsity, making up for his significant lack of height with spirit and commitment. Rowing itself aside, Gaz was the inspiration of the sense of humour department, president of the association of pranksters and fellow in the institute for inebriation induced creative dancing. He’s the sort of legend that makes fun times great.

Gary provided many notable figures in the rowing community with simpler, easier to remember names. One unfortunate fellow, who I had the pleasure of cover tackling into the Msunduzi for harassing one of our UND ladies, protested that I had wet his, and I quote, “10000 grand Diesel watch”. We all laughed at him heartily. Gary called him “Diesel watch guy” from that day forward. Others to suffer the misfortune of Gary’s programme of renaming were “Model boy”, “Big nostril dude”,

Gary lived with me for a year or so a couple of years ago. We were hopeless single people, and occasionally we did what hopeless single people do, and went to Billy the Bums for a burger and beer. We were wingmen, wallowing in our uselessness. These were good times.

There one night, we bumped into my dear old friend, and evidently also hopeless single person, Shelley Wright. At the moment, I decided that I was actually tired of Gary being in my house, holding me back, so I took it upon myself to inflict Gary on Shelley. Gary was instantly smitten. I cant be certain but I’m fairly sure that Shelley wasn’t. As we walked out, he said to me, “Soo… do you think I’ve got a chance? You know, she’s way outta my league.”

Naturally, I assured him Shells was keen as beans – of course I had no idea if she was – but it was my duty as wingman to say such things.

I am, however, sure of one thing. If there are such things, Gary, Shelley is in your league. Gaz, you are the consummate gentleman, quite possibly my most loyal and forgiving friend, you’re brutally honest, trustworthy and reliable. And you have the biggest BIG toe nail I’ve ever seen.

Shells, I’ve known you a few more years than Gaz – since Glenwood and Girls’ High days, through our beautiful friend Annie, who, incidentally, I also arranged to have married off to a rower.

Shelley, you are a gentle soul, caring, thoughtful and I know you love Gary dearly. I know you’ll take care of him and I have no doubt that he’s already devoted his life to loving and caring for you.

I wish your partnership endless love, good fortune, and despite the Pope’s recent comments, a great many children.

Could I ask you all to rise and toast the bride and groom.

Interviewer: …and what exactly do you do?
Anonymous: I do domestic work. Where I do it? Sometimes I do the work in my mom’s place. On a Tuesday and a Wednesday, then on a Thursday. Two Thursday’s in a month I am working in Landsdowne and every Friday I am working at ??? and then Saturday I work in, sometimes I work in Pinelands and sometimes I work in ???. So I am keeping myself quite busy.
Interviewer: Yes, very busy. How many days a week is that? Or how many days in a month?
Anonymous: Well, that is 4 Fridays a month and then it’s 3 Saturdays a month. It’s 7 and the 2 Thursdays is 9.

Interviewer: OK. And how do you travel around from one of your jobs to your other jobs?
Anonymous: You know the travelling isn’t a problem because, ok, the taxi’s is sometimes difficult especially form Manenberg to Claremont. You waiting long for a Claremont taxi. And I have to take a Claremont taxi to get off in Landsdowne. But the taxi from Manenberg to ??? its. Every 5 min there’s a taxi that’s going that way.

Interviewer: Ok. So it’s quite easy?
Anonymous: Yes. And I work Saturdays. The lady is coming to pick me up and she bring me home again.

This is just plain irresponsible.  For the price of several drinks a month (perhaps not drinking those reduces your chance of having one of these accidents as well), you can get a basic hospital plan which covers your medical costs in the event you have an accident or land up in hospital for whatever reason.  If you don’t have one, GET ONE!

For more information contact me on warwick@thusa.co.za or +27 83 7797 094

My brother said I should’ve pulled the rest of the feathers out, basted it in peri-peri and shoved it in the oven.

Looks like chicken. Tastes like beef.

As I was leaving home this morning, a little girl of 8 or 10 came up to me with a Hadeda (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hadada_Ibis) wrapped in a bright pink Barbie towel under her arm and asked me to dial the SPCA.

Just as I had finished telling the SPCA where to come and get the bird, the girl suddenly said “Oooh! Ooh! Ow! My stomach! Please sir, take it from me.” So I did, fearing the worst but suspecting the inevitable, and with that, she sped off, never to be seen again.

So there I was, sitting alone in my car holding a big ass bird wrapped in a towel.

Gingerly, I plonked it in the passenger footwell, praying it would not freak and went to find the SPCA. There, I filled in the form, went back to the car to get the poor, broken bird… and… it would not comply.

So I went round to driver side to get it and it shat on my seat the jumped out and ran under the decking at the coffee shop (“Coffee Cats”) with a party of about 10 animal lovers and employees trying to “rescue” the forsaken animal. I say “rescue” because some of the methods of capture they were discussing were downright concerning.

Anyway, so life must go on and that involves driving, which is not great when you have a massive, liquid bird-turd on your seat. So, I dipped said Barbie towel into the fishpond, wiped my seat off and continued my day as normal.

Except now everyone wants to know why I have a cute pink Barbie towel at work with me.

DURBAN, South Africa – The infamous PUKETOP, a product of Tequila in copious volumes relative to accepted human consumption standards, a certain Ms Robyn Bronwyn Hobbs aka Bobby, and an inconveniently positioned Dell Laptop, has finally been restored to expected operating levels by an authorized onsite Dell repair agent.

A strapping young Dell technician, Mr Nishan Harold Pillay, visited Ms Hobbs at her place of residence in Greyville, Durban earlier today to perform a simple procedure known as a key-based input device transplant.

Mr Pillay was quoted midway through the process as saying “it looks sticky”, and later during the procedure, proposing that in his professional opinion the residue was as a result of “coffee and biscuits”.

Ms Hobbs throughout the process maintained complete composure and did not let on in any way the darker secret to the nature of the “sticky” residue seen by Mr Pillay.

While the transplant procedure was a success, the PUKETOP is not completely out of the woods; unfortunately Mr Pillay did discover a “little bit of something on the motherboard”, but, in his professional opinion again, and much to the relief of an already relieved Ms Hobbs, “it doesn’t seem to be affecting anything.”

The recovery period after the minor procedure is expected to be short and Ms Hobbs and her PUKETOP should soon be able to collaborate as they did before that fateful night almost a year ago.