Warwick Bruce Chapman

Delivered as Best Man at Providence on 18 December, 2010

Welcome everyone to Gary and Shelley’s wedding. I am Warwick Chapman, known to most people here as Budgee. I have the good fortune of being a friend of both the bride and the groom, and the rather ominous responsibility of having introduced them to one another.

So on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank all of you for having come up here to celebrate this day, especially those of you who knew that I’d be saying a few words – it’s very touching that you still decided to come.

The crucial role a best man must play on this important night is to provide accurate information about the groom such that everyone here has a good idea of just what Shelley has gotten herself into.

I thus thank you Gary for asking me to be your best man. It is a great privilege and I shall not disappoint. First, however, what I must do as a best man is make a heartfelt toast to two people without whom we would none of us would be here today. Hopefully as the night goes on, each of us will have a chance to spend some quality time with them. So I ask you to rise, and join me in toasting the bar staff.

We couldn’t do it without you guys. Thanks alot.

There are many things I can say about the man with the hairiest toes in the world, and a few things perhaps I shouldn’t. But before I tell you about this fella Shelley’s just married, let me propose a real toast to three smashing young ladies.

Lord Alfred Tennyson said simply that “A happy bridesmaid makes a happy bride.” Mary-Leigh and Nicole you two make a fine complement to our stunning bride tonight. I know she appreciates all the support you’ve given her over the last weeks and especially today. I could not possibly complete this toast without mentioning Deidre and that beautiful cong she sang in the chapel. Please rise and join me in toasting the Deidre and the bridesmaids.

More than just a few of us here tonight met GazziPuff 11 or 12 years ago at the University of Natal, Durban Rowing Club. There, being but a slight of a fellow, and a finicky technician in the bowseat, he earned himself the nick name – FairyG.

And who could forget the photo of Gaz published in a mainstream weekend newspaper, dressed in a tiger suit, his hand in a claw pose with the campest of growl expressions on his face. Accordingly, the paper misspelt his name “Gay” Ainsworth. So GazziPuff, even though you’re a FairyG and Gay – you’ve bagged yourself a gentle, intelligent and above all gorgeous wife and are now laughing in the face of these prophecies we wrote in your name. Good show.

Shelley, you no doubt have some idea what you’ve got yourself into, but for the benefit of those less familiar with the dirty details, let me share the sort of treatment Gary might come to expect from a wife. You see, Gary’s doting mother spoilt him as a child, as a teenager, and even as a grown man.

Many people thought us rowers nuts for dragging ourselves out of bed at 4am each day to go rowing. Gary’s mornings, however, were somewhat more comfortable. You see he’d be woken with a cup of tea, and a pair of pre-warmed socks thanks to his darling mother who couldn’t bear the thought of our Gaz getting cold feet. Well, Margaret, I’m pleased to say that your boy is married, and its now Shelley’s job to make the tea and warm the socks, though, perhaps it might just be the other way around!

Just whatever you do Shells, don’t wet his socks and put them in the freezer. You may end up with the fire brigade outside your door in a bad mood. Gaz, ever the prankster, at SA Student Sprint Champs about 100 years ago, found himself pranked and saddled with a hard, frozen pair of his trademark long rowing rugby socks. In a moment of sheer brilliance he decided the obvious solution was to heat them in the oven – sounds good right? – as long as you don’t go off to a fines meeting shortly thereafter and leave them in the oven to combust. Chop.

This is the same dude the Poms decide to make their Safety officer while he was working in the UK. Safety first Gaz. Shells, keep a leash on him, you never know what could go down. And whatever you do, never ever respond when Gary asks you to check if something smells funny. Not unless you want whatever it is he’s holding all over your face… that one never ever fails to amuse him.

Sure this man has matured over the years, but beware of the rare failure to be discrete. A fellow rowing friend, Caroline Reid, related to me an almost lost story of one of Gary’s first flings in varsity which unnerved him more than just a little. So concerned was our Gaz, that he confided in Cally that this lass “had gone from friend to psycho over just one kiss.” Unfortunately the lass was standing right behind him. Smooth dude.

For Gary’s Bachelor bash at Inanda Dam, we asked Shelley a set of questions about Gary. At the party, we put each question to Gary, and then compared with Shelley’s answer. A most illuminating exercise.

One of the questions asked whether Shelley knew that Gaz used to wear an Alice Band and if he still had this hair style would she have even given him a second glance?

Gary’s answer (granted he was properly trousered and full of confidence): “She would’ve loved it!”

Shells responded: “Yes I have actually seen photographic evidence from Lauren Carrol!!! Honestly if he was still sporting such fashion accessories when I met him ,we would not be here today. ”

Another question referred to Gary’s incessant whining, asking Shells on average how many times a night does he moan about something?

Gary’s reponse: None

Shelley’s reponse: He does tend to be a winger. If I had to give it a number I would say between two and three. Just tonight I have heard that he has a bite on his arm and that he hopes it won’t lead to tick bite fever (because he has had it three times before!) and that he also has a paper cut which is actually very sore!

Gary took his rowing very seriously at varsity, making up for his significant lack of height with spirit and commitment. Rowing itself aside, Gaz was the inspiration of the sense of humour department, president of the association of pranksters and fellow in the institute for inebriation induced creative dancing. He’s the sort of legend that makes fun times great.

Gary provided many notable figures in the rowing community with simpler, easier to remember names. One unfortunate fellow, who I had the pleasure of cover tackling into the Msunduzi for harassing one of our UND ladies, protested that I had wet his, and I quote, “10000 grand Diesel watch”. We all laughed at him heartily. Gary called him “Diesel watch guy” from that day forward. Others to suffer the misfortune of Gary’s programme of renaming were “Model boy”, “Big nostril dude”,

Gary lived with me for a year or so a couple of years ago. We were hopeless single people, and occasionally we did what hopeless single people do, and went to Billy the Bums for a burger and beer. We were wingmen, wallowing in our uselessness. These were good times.

There one night, we bumped into my dear old friend, and evidently also hopeless single person, Shelley Wright. At the moment, I decided that I was actually tired of Gary being in my house, holding me back, so I took it upon myself to inflict Gary on Shelley. Gary was instantly smitten. I cant be certain but I’m fairly sure that Shelley wasn’t. As we walked out, he said to me, “Soo… do you think I’ve got a chance? You know, she’s way outta my league.”

Naturally, I assured him Shells was keen as beans – of course I had no idea if she was – but it was my duty as wingman to say such things.

I am, however, sure of one thing. If there are such things, Gary, Shelley is in your league. Gaz, you are the consummate gentleman, quite possibly my most loyal and forgiving friend, you’re brutally honest, trustworthy and reliable. And you have the biggest BIG toe nail I’ve ever seen.

Shells, I’ve known you a few more years than Gaz – since Glenwood and Girls’ High days, through our beautiful friend Annie, who, incidentally, I also arranged to have married off to a rower.

Shelley, you are a gentle soul, caring, thoughtful and I know you love Gary dearly. I know you’ll take care of him and I have no doubt that he’s already devoted his life to loving and caring for you.

I wish your partnership endless love, good fortune, and despite the Pope’s recent comments, a great many children.

Could I ask you all to rise and toast the bride and groom.

The DA supports any effort which aims to increase genuine participation of the community in the fight against crime. There are three key roles the community must play in this fight, and it is important that all three roles are enthusiastically embraced:
1. Make our own neighbourhoods safer by working together to protect our communities
2. Collaborating with the Police to set the crime fighting strategy and plan and execute operations
3. Most importantly, defend and undertake our oversight role and ensure our Police station is providing efficient service delivery to the community

I would like to quote Major-General Jula, our Deputy Provincial Commissioner of Police who said the following in this hall on Sunday:
“We invite the community to join us in the fight against crime by demonstrating a sense / culture of territoriality over their neighbourhoods and playing a role as whistle blowers and our eyes and ears.”

We must take ownership of our neigbourhoods. We must no longer accept what has become a culture of violent crime. We must ensure that known criminals no longer feel comfortable in our homes. We must blow the whistle on criminals and errant Police officers.

All members of SAPS have sworn to fulfill their obligations as laid out in the constitution and I remind you of them:
- to prevent, combat and investigate crime
- to maintain public order
- to protect and secure the inhabitants of the Republic and their property
- and to uphold and enforce the law

In the course of this partnership it must be remembered that for a partnership to work, both parties must commit themselves. If one of the community or the Police do not play ball, this partnership will fail and crime will be the winner.

We will continue to support the growth and business of Community Police Forums and the formation of neighbourhood watches and street committees affiliated to the CPF. We recognise the role we have to play here and we embrace the opportunity and the responsibility before us.

I would like to welcome the Deputy Provincial Commissioner to this meeting today and thank him sincerely for making the time to address the concerns of this community.

All was set for a march today but I called off the march on Tuesday and called this meeting instead. I did this because marching today would have meant ignoring the seriousness with which the Provincial Commissioner’s office has taken our cry for help and the immediate steps taken to shore up the fight against crime in this area. We’ve all seen the extra vehicles and manpower, and we’ve all seen the choppers. We know they won’t be here for ever, but I for one sincerely appreciate the both the speed and scale of the response from the Commissioner to our pleas.

When I addressed you two weeks ago, the focus was on the efficiency and quality of the service provided by Pinetown SAPS. Since then, I have received information from anonymous members of Pinetown Police and from members of the public along two broad themes.

Firstly, Pinetown SAPS members have reinforced the assertion I made two weeks ago that morale is at rock bottom. Concerningly it has even been suggested that the proper training, development and support required to allow members to develop to their full potential has been stunted by what one Police member referred to as the Zama-PF dictatorship inside Pinetown SAPS. This is, of course, the man who is said to be the only station commander in the Province who refused to swear an oath that he commit himself to reduce crime in his Policing area.

Secondly, members of the public and anonymous SAPS members have provided me sufficient information to suggest that there are some serious irregularities, both procedural and financial which need to be stamped out. Wasted expenditure, wrongful arrests in order to intimidate business owners, refusing to create cases are but the tip of the iceberg I’m told.

National Commissioner Cele and Police Minister Nathi Mthethwa have said some rather unambiguous things about corruption over the past months. Just yesterday Minister Mthethwa said his department is looking at having a corrupt-free police force by this time next year. He said that part of the plan to have a disciplined force with good standing in the community will include extending the period of training from six months to one year, starting with the next intake.

I would like to emphasise part of what the Minister said, “a disciplined force with good standing in the community”. We humbly request nothing less for Pinetown – a disciplined force with good standing in our community.

The minister says the next intake will be free from what he dubs as “cop tsotsi”, saying they want to ensure that the country has the type of police force with men and women who are upright and those who are going to protect the weak in communities.

We don’t want cop tsosti’s in Pinetown. We want dedicated, public servants who we can respect for the crucial role they play in our community. We want our station commander to have such good standing in our community that he is invited to school prizegiving dinners and special events as the honoured guest. We want our Policemen and women to serve as role models to the children they serve to protect.

Mr Deputy Commissioner, our Police Minister and the National Commissioner said also that “corrupt policemen need to be kicked out of the force” and that 54 police officers were arrested last month. If there are corrupt cops at Pinetown SAPS, please help this community and do the Minister’s willing and kick them out of the force!

After the string of horrific murders in the area over the past weeks, some community members started a group on Facebook called “Make CRIMETOWN, PINETOWN again!”. As per usual, I caught some flack from my political opponents who immediately chose their dog-eared race card and suggested that I was trying to get back the Pinetown of the bad old days.

Fortunately, the Minister of Police and the people of Pinetown seem to share the same sentiment. This week at the launch of the festive season anti-crime campaign in Gauteng, the Minister said: “We need Hillbrow and Berea to go back to the beautiful places where we used to live.”

This crusade by the people of Pinetown is not about the Pinetown of the bad old days; it is about making Pinetown in the new South Africa safe and pleasant to live in. It’s about making Pinetown safe and pleasant to live in for all South Africans who may choose to do so.

At the meeting two weeks ago in this hall on 24 October, Ken Goldstone, Deputy-Chair of the Pinetown CPF, and I each handed a memorandum to Brig. Sayer, the Pinetown Cluster Commander, for the attention of the Provincial Commissioner.

For the benefit of those who were not at the previous meeting, in brief, the memoranda requested the following:

The CPF memorandum which was compiled at the request of the Station Commander for the attention of provincial leadership of SAPS:
1. Shortage of trained and experienced detectives
2. Shortage of operational vehicles
3. Shortage of operational computers
4. The moratorium on the recruitment of reservists
5. The maintenance and cleanliness of the building

The memorandum I submitted on behalf of all those who were at the meeting on 24 October:
1. A replacement station commander who is empowered to sort Pinetown SAPS out
2. A renewed commitment from Pinetown SAPS to community policing
3. That the confusing delimitation of the CPF subfora in Pinetown be simplified
4. Lastly, in full “That Pinetown SAPS publicly commits itself to ensuring that every available Policeman and women will be committed to effectively discharging the responsibilities of the Police Service as laid out in the Constitution and the (Police) Act.

I thus ask you to welcome the (Deputy) Provincial Commissioner of Police to address us today in response to the issues laid out in the memoranda.

NOTE: Major-General Jula then handed over a written copy of the response which he went through for the benefit of those present at the meeting.

NOTE: This speech was not delivered at the 28 October eThekwini Council meeting because the Notice of Motion was agreed to by the council.

Willy Govender, multiple industry award winning CEO of Data World, well known backer of the ANC and head of the notorious eValuations ventured into a partnership in 2003 with Indian Enterprice Resource Planning company Ramco Systems. They jointly formed CityWorks in South Africa which went on to win the tender to provide the development platform and services for the Revenue Management System Project.

CityWorks then licensed an ERP development platform called Ramco VirtualWorks to build LOGOsoft, what we refer to as the RMS project.

Willy Govender’s client service motto is purported to be “make my customers look good”. eThekwini, and by extension his ANC, are not looking good.

The RMS development started in 2004 with an estimated cost to the ratepayer of R90-150m. At the time this council debated the issue, Cllr John Steenhuisen told our treasurer Krish Kumar that this development would hit R500m and still not go live. Mr Kumar dismissed the comments as sensational.

Look where we are now. In 2006, an additional R100.8m was provided to continue the project and the go-live date extended. In 2008, and an additional R157.2m was provided to continue the project and the go-live date extended. In 2010, we were asked to provide “up to” R77m more to ensure the completion of the project and the go-live date was extended to latest June 2011. That figure brings the total investment in this project by the City to R485m, just short of half a billion Rand.

During my last update in March this year, Cllr Tex Collins and I were assured the last major technical hurdle was the data migration from the old Coins system to the new LOGOsoft RMS system. We were at the time advised that this process was almost complete, and they indeed demonstrated by pulling my Metro Bill. We were assured that the next challenges related only to testing, training and rollout preparation.

On Monday, ahead of this council meeting, I phoned the department head responsible for this project, Bob Gangadaran and asked to to make time available for me to get an update on the status of the project. He said he would but I did not hear from him. This morning I phoned him at 07h30 and asked when it would be convenient to chat. He said after 8 and I called him at 8:24. A woman picked up the phone and then when I asked for Bob she cut the call. I called again and it rang off the hook. I sent Bob an SMS requesting that he call me urgently and he sent a reply protesting technical emergency. I draw this picture to illustrate the obvious: a municipal official is actively avoiding speaking to a councillor about RMS.

As a payer of eThekwini’s exhorbitant rates, as a councillor responsible for the proper governance of this City, I want to know where our R500m has gone and exactly what stage this development is at. This notice of motion seeks that Exco be provided an urgent and full update of the status of the project and that council be updated on a monthly basis of the progress of this development as it approaches the go-live date.

I would further call that a full forensic investigation be undertaken with the support of MPAC, to uncover any corruption, wasted expenditure and mismanagement involved in this project. Anonymous sources have provided several allegation of irregularities in this project and it is thus incumbent on the City to investigate.

In the interests of proper governance, I thus seek your approval thereof.

This speech was delivered at the sitting of the eThekwini Council on 29 April, 2010.

“The Democratic Alliance will support the final extension of funding for this ambitious Revenue Management System project, which, if successful and stable could be an excellent strategic investment for the City.

The potential this RMS project has to both provide an efficient and customised solution to the City is significant. Further, the possibility of realising an early return on investment if we are able to sell this product to other local governments in Africa and abroad is promising.

We must embrace every opportunity we can to develop and deliver locally, thus improving local skills and saving vital foreign exchange. If successful, the RMS project will be an example of one such opportunity.

The DA must stress, however, that with a software development project of this complexity and magnitude, none of the above can be celebrated until the proverbial fat lady sings. The development itself must be successfully completed and a well resourced maintenance and support team put in place to ensure the investment is sustained.

Lastly, due to the contentious nature and history of the project, we would like to request that between now and when the project is due to be rolled out, the full council or at least the Executive Committee, be formally updated on a monthly basis on the progress of the development as it approaches the go-live date.”